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The Most Moronic Stories of 2002

Make it stop! Make it stop!

Last year, I said I should just stay inside and hide for 2002. Now I wish I had. Stupidity increases.

So here it is. The top 10 most moronic stories of 2002, as chosen by our readers by comments and votes.

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10 Cardinal Law blames 6-year-old for negligence. Law, the former head of the Boston Archdiocese asserted that a 6-year-old boy was partly to blame for being molested at the hands of a priest. Law, as you may recall, recently stepped down from his position with the Archdiocese after ongoing accusations that the church shuffled child-molesting priests from parish to parish under Law's direction, rather than properly dealing with the accusations.

9 This year we saw the government trying to link their failed "war on drugs" with their doomed "war on terror," complete with ads which insulted our intelligence, suggesting that purchasing pot is akin to mass extermination of innocents. It also came to light that anti-drug ads don't work and may actually encourage drug use.

8 John Ashcroft. The Bill of Rights. You knew this was coming, yes? This year we heard many disturbing tales of large sections of the Constitution being ignored or disregarded, due process thrown to the wind. One such case is that of Al Muhajir, who very well may be guilty of planning to detonate a "dirty bomb". Trouble is, he's a US Citizen who is being deprived of his right to due process because he's an "enemy combatant" despite the fact that there's been no declaration of war.

7 The mayor of Inglis, Florida thought she was pretty clever when she made a town proclamation expelling Satan from her town. While I suppose it's possible that her wood posts with rolled up pieces of paper inside (sound like a pagan ritual, anyone?) may have been keeping the Great Deceiver at bay, they didn't seem to have much of an effect on vandals who stole her little wood posts. Gee, nobody saw that one coming.

6 Despite pleas from authority figures both in religion and government for religious tolerance and restraint, some Christian Fundamentalists just couldn't resist taking jabs at Islam, saying (among other things) that their prophet Mohammed was a "demon-possessed pedophile" and a "terrorist". The funny thing is you could also say those things about a variety of Catholic Priests and Jerry Falwell, respectively.

5 Midway through the year, the Ninth Circuit court issued a well-reasoned decision, the conclusion of which sparked a media frenzy declaring in bold, 72-point type, "PLEDGE DECLARED UNCONSTITUTIONAL." So much for that "liberal media" we hear so much about. In fact, only the recitation of the pledge in public schools was declared unconstitutional, and despite having never read the decision, various politicians decided to weigh in on what they were sure was a "stupid" decision. The decision was actually very well-reasoned and based on a long history of case law, including the famous case of Lee v Weisman. In related news, a student who refused to say the pledge in Walker County, Alabama was beaten by his teacher.

4 Robert Novak of PetsWarehouse.com doesn't deal well with criticism. Confronted with criticism posted on an online forum, he decided he'd just sue them for "humiliation, emotional distress, libelous statements and the dilution of his trademark." Somehow Novak won. Further adding insult to injury, Novak also sued people who expressed outrage at the fact that he was suing people who complained.

3 Chante Mallard, a 25-year-old nurse's aide, ran into a homeless man on her way home. Gregory Biggs became trapped in her windshield, where he remained as Mallard drove home and parked in her garage. There he slowly bled to death. Had Mallard gotten medical attention for Biggs, he would likely have survived the accident. However, all Biggs got from Mallard was an apology as he died in her garage.

2 Big Brother didn't have enough eyes to watch everyone by himself back in July, so Big Brother brought us Operation TIPS. The idea? Have everyone spy on everyone else, and report unusual behaviour to a central clearinghouse. Civil Liberties groups and most sentient folks were outraged, and later TIPS was quietly scaled back into nothingness. The price of freedom, as they say, is eternal vigilance.

1 By far the stupidest thing to happen in 2002, as voted by our readers by their comments and votes, was the arrest and expulsion of students who peacefully protested Bush's speech at their graduation. Former president Bill Clinton had also spoken at Ohio State University's commencement, and endured what most of us would expect at a college graduation attended by a president- heckling and/or protest. And that's a healthy thing. Our leaders ought to expect to be criticized and opposed. That's what free societies are about. But now there's a "war on terror" and everyone has to be "patriotic." In other words, don't express any criticism of the president. At the commencement in question, a small group of students quietly turned their backs on the president. For their act of terrorism, these students were escorted away from their graduation by the Secret Service and threatened with expulsion by the school.

Thankfully, 2002 is now history. It was a crappy year with a crappy economy and a crappy government with stupid ideas serving moronic people. Things aren't looking promising for 2003 either. Make it stop!

---Nick